Hey! I didn't want to make this devlog, but I have done absolutely not really anything since my last devlog! I feel bad about it--like, really, really bad, but hey! Maybe this will help anyone else struggling with the selfsame issues and understand they aren't alone and sometimes, it even gets better! 

We know creative burn out is real. No doubt about it! Was this what stopped any progress this month? Maybe yes, maybe no! I still WANTED to make a game, just not Star Stealing Prince, so for most of the month I fiddled with another idea (basically, following the case of ooh, it's shiny and new!) and wrote a whole new unrelated story.

This is a thing that has happened to me a lot and I partly know why. I am a really bad perfectionist. I hold myself to incredibly high standards that I do not ever meet. It's easier to ignore the standards I set for myself when something is new and shiny, but as soon as that wears off, I pick my own stuff apart and begin to get paralyzed and feel like nothing I do is ever going to be good enough. It sucks! Yet still, I feel like I've come a long way just being able to admit that and telling myself to shove a sock in it. Does that always work? Well, I finished two visual novels (although one was very, very short) so I would say mostly yes. One of the reasons I made the Morning Star was to prove to myself I can still finish projects. Sure, it wasn't as involved as an RPG, but I gave myself a goal and I did it without succumbing to myself being my own worst critic. I'd like to think I've come a long way from starting game projects and then abandoning them as soon as I started to realize I couldn't match up to my ideal.

Another thing that tends to make me stop game making is knowing I can't do everything alone, but also not knowing how to ask for help or accepting said help. I still don't know how because I don't like people touching my stuff. Game making is incredibly lonely when you don't have anyone helping you. However that is another story as another problem.

Right now, what stopped most progress this month was being paralyzed because I couldn't match my vision. I have to make another boss fight and for reasons stated above--perfectionism, lack of shiny, not being able to really ask for any help--I just couldn't do it. Every time I opened up something to doodle it out, I'd freeze and close it again because deep down, I knew it wasn't going to match the ideal I made up in my head. Even now I know the second boss isn't working like it should because I just don't know how to manipulate the systems I have to do it correctly and I have no idea how to go about adjusting it. I'll get there eventually, but it's overwhelming.

But guess what? The whole project is never going to match that ideal in my head. There's no way to do that with my current skill set and I have to learn how to let it go. Do what I can. I am a single developer doing their best. I can't match the games people are doing that are leagues better than mine because many of them have teams. I have to understand that. I'm not saying this to give myself an out if I make something shitty, but rather that I should not hold myself to the same candle as someone else's full team. I shouldn't hold myself to anyone else, period, because we all have different skill sets and a different way of game making.

I still think this version of the project is leagues better than the original (although you are free to disagree; I know people are protective over things that somehow turned out to be somewhat formative to their younger years). I don't regret deciding to do this either.

Perfectionism is just a terrible thing to have. You're never good enough to your own mind and it's paralyzing.

But eventually, you can get right back to work! You'll be able to look back and go "damn, I'm good at this" and use that energy to get going again. I'm already starting to ease back into it and finishing up the puzzles I never finished. I'll start the Chimera soon so I hope this month is a little more productive. I'll certainly try harder!

Thank you for reading and sorry for being a slowpoke this month!